I don’t know how to start this blog post. I’m sure if you watch Spirit Squad you’ll know that the physical world lost one of the most beautiful souls in my life. My Granny was the sweetest woman you’ll ever meet. She would have given you the shirt off her back if you needed it. She was always serving, a devoted woman to the church, a loving wife for 61 years, and the best dang Granny ever. She was sick for a long time, and she lived a wonderful life, so it wasn’t unexpected and it was peaceful.
When I found out she passed, I stayed strong. I said clearly to her, “If we’re going to do this, we’re going to do it right. What is going to be our sign?”
When I was in second grade, she had given me a pair of dragonfly earrings for my birthday. I don’t know why, I never wore them, but I knew that I needed to keep them close. I put them in my special box, along with my pooh bear charm bracelet and Boz’s horse shoe nails. At the moment I asked what our sign would be, in my mind those earrings popped in. 18 years later, and I still have them. I pulled them out and put them on. “Alright then, it’s decided. Dragonflies it is. I love you.”
Leading up to her passing, I had many dreams of Gran and her leaving. We had silly conversations about panty hose and Pepere (Grandfather in French), but none of that really prepared me for what I was about to go through. She showed up in a beautiful pink dress and talked often of champagne and celebration. (I found out later that that she wore the same pink dress to my momma’s wedding, an d it was the only time she’d had champagne).
As a Medium, I know Gran is here with me, I know she’s with my family, and my grandfather through this whole process. But I couldn’t believe the overwhelming sense of sadness I was feeling. I am always telling my clients that their loved ones are here, they do not want to see us sad, that we can be happy for their life, and there is no need to hold on to the sadness or physical things… yet in this moment I felt none of that. I feel sad.
In a few of my dreams, I woke up smelling rose cream. I relayed this to my mom and she brought me home an unopened Camilla Rose Cream that my Granny wore every day. It was the last one in her vanity. Still, I didn’t cry, I remained “strong”. But after that, I decided I needed to go to the funeral. I hesitated to go for selfish reasons. My family, especially my grandfather, is so openly against what I do and avoid any and all conversation with me about it like the plague. Which is totally fine, but I’m still uncomfortable with it around them too. My family is my achilles heal about Mediumship. I have such a hard time standing strong in my conviction when the people I love the most look at me like I am doing something that will condemn them all to hell. But never the less, I just wanted to hug my Pepere, and celebrate my Granny.
The night before— you all watched spirit squad — I was a loopy disaster. I felt so disconnected from myself. Hindsight, I was stuffing down the emotions I was convincing myself I wasn’t supposed to feel. I kept rolling, went to sleep, and woke up to get on the plane. I have been reading this book called “The Broken Way” by Ann Voskamp and with the two flights I finally had time to pull it out and read it. I sat down on the flight, buckled in, and the first page I read made me stop reading it. I couldn’t do it. The quote stated,
“Maybe it’s okay to not feel strong, to carry an unspoken broken. And . . . to speak it?”
An unspoken broken… What are you trying to say God?
I got some sleep and pondered the idea of all that I was holding onto. Still not wanting to see it. I get off the plane, and head to my next gate. It was quite a full gate, and I was seated across from an elderly woman and her daughter. She must have been late 90’s and kudos to her for flying. I heard very clearly the daughter say during boarding, “now you are sitting up front and I am sitting in the back, are you going to be ok?” The mother replied, “maybe someone will be nice and let me sit with you.” The daughter replied, “I’ve already asked momma, there are no seats left on this plane.”
I don’t know why God had me hear that, but I said, “Jesus, please let these two sit next to each other.” I walked onto the plane, and looked down at my ticket. With a tear in my eye, I realized I was the seat next to this woman. I gave her a hug, and told her that I would switch seats with her daughter. She was over joyed. I was so thankful God put me in that position to do that. I wanted to tell them to cherish these moments, but I just said “Enjoy your flight ladies.”
I headed to the back of the plane, holding back tears. I sat down, and put Hannah Kerr’s new album on. “Thank you, God.” I quietly whispered and dozed off to sleep.
I got off the plane, and the lady and her daughter were waiting for me. They once again hugged me and thanked me. I thought it was so sweet that they waited. Little did I know what they did. (TBC). I met up with Mom, Dad, and my brother… And began the next two days.
I haven’t been to mass since Christmas of 2009. At that time, I showed up with a water bottle of vodka and a black strapless dress. (I’m sorry God & family). I was so lost, and I hated being forced to do things I didn’t feel.
My Granny was incredible, she planned her whole funeral start to finish. There was some last minute details that needed to be nailed down, but she had it all figured out. She was going to have mass with all of us in the church that she was married in, and the church her parents were married and buried in too. The church was amazing, and everything was perfect. The Church was decorated in head to toe florals for Easter. I thought to myself, of course you would Gran. I want to share from mass 3 important things stood out to me. The priest was amazing. He linked Gran’s name to sainthood and it was the most beautiful sermon you could ask for. But he said something that I don’t think I’ll ever forget.
“The amazing thing about our God is that he shows up in very tangible things in our life. How did he show up through your Dolly? How many meals did she cook, how many loads of laundry did she do, how many phone calls did she listen to you through, how many times did she dry your tears? Meditate on that. Meditate that Dolly is now with God and you can ask Dolly for guidance, and to pray with you. “
I mean, here I was sit ting in Church with my mouth about open, DID YOU HEAR THAT? I asked. Father Michael just told us to talk to Granny’s Spirit and MEDITATE. I about died. Funny story after that was communion came around. It had been so long since I’ve been to mass, that Father said, “Do you receive the body and blood of Christ?” I replied with a shaky voice, “Thank You.” I felt so stupid, but I was standing next to Gran’s ashes and was a total mess. On eagles wings came on, and I saw my Pep break down. Again, I shoved my tears down deep and put my hand on his back. “I love you so much.” I thought, but couldn’t say it.
I’ll spare the rest of the details of the funeral and gathering, but I will tell you it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. The men that I know as strong, military men, doctors, breaking down. That’s the power of love.
My family and I ended up going back to the cemetery after everyone had left. I learnedall about my family history since everyone on mom’s side is buried there. Absolutely serene. Gran picked a good day for a funeral, considering it was cold, rainy, and a little snowy/icy. But still, the cemetery was the hardest but most peaceful place to be
The night went on, and I was about to go hold the kittens at Petsmart by the hotel to give them some love and ask Jesus to help find them families, when we decided to go get pizza and beer for Gran. Now, I’m the a**hole that doesn’t eat pizza or drink beer – but I had a nice salad and a glass of wine. Cheers Gran, we love you.
I held it together. I really did, I was super proud of myself. But on the flight home my parents sat in first class, and I sat in row 8D. Separated with a curtain and a seat, I looked out the window and cried the rest of the way.
I don’t know that I’m supposed to feel what I feel, because I know she’s in Spirit and with God, but I feel like a piece of my heart is missing. I feel like the woman that always greeted me with a Hi, Sweetheart, what can I make you to eat is not going to be there. And I know better, but I don’t feel better. I have to have compassion for myself, and this process, and I’m writing this to get it out and share. I don’t have it all together just because I’m a “medium”. I’m also a human, and occasionally* have human feelings. (*that’s a lie, it’s all the time) I know that I need validation she’s with me, and I know how important the messages that come through from Spirit are.. for this very reason. But faith is not sight, and I get that I just need to trust. But very clearly, I miss you Gran. And I probably always will.
So long story short: Just because you are intuitive, or a medium, or anything — it’s ok to feel. It’s ok to grieve, and it’s OK to be human. I am learning that it’s ok to just feel, and whatever comes from that, I accept.
17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
**** I was telling this to Joe, and he said, “Well, I know she’s with you. There was a dragonfly sitting outside our house, and no matter how many times I came and went the dragonfly didn’t move. So I know it was her, and I know she’s with you.” ****
** My dad had paid for an upgrade for the seat that I gave up. The lady and her daughter told American, and they refunded my dad. Isn’t that beautiful? **