I am tired.
I’d like to tell you that I’m strong, that I have it all figured out, that I am a ‘spiritual teacher’ and I should be perfect. Bull shit. But that is how I have been living for the past little while, in a constant cycle of “I’m not good enough.” I haven’t felt like writing anything to you because I felt that I had so much going on with myself and my own development – how was I supposed to write anything?
Well, walking around feeling like that (as I’m sure you probably guessed) felt pretty awful. And I’m no stranger to energy, but it just kept lowering my vibration. Pretty soon, I was finding in my own time, connecting to my own Spirit team, I was having a harder and harder time. I knew we were going through retrogrades galore, I knew that this energetic time period was difficult, but what I forgot was to look inside myself, instead of looking outwards.
I guess I could blame this on being a channel. Yes, I am constantly picking up on the thoughts, feelings, and emotions of other people (both physical & spirit). And yes, I definitely feel all this energy globally. So I am sure that it contributed to my energetic pitfall. But that would be me, not taking responsibility for my end. Am I supposed to just walk around and blame my negative energy on being sensitive?
I’ve lived my Mediumship life in a beautiful little bubble of control. I took classes and read books that strictly say, that is the way of this work. You must do A+B to = C. I have to be in my office to do a reading, I have to say this prayer every time, when I am “off the clock” I am OFF THE CLOCK. Because according to others out there, this is how you will be able to exist in the physical world.
This thought process almost destroyed me.
I physically can’t do it. Because like I said above, I am a channel, and I am going to feel things no matter where I am. And my friend said it best, “By thinking this way, you could be stopping someone from getting a healing message from Spirit right now.” Ouch.
I live my life to give messages from Spirit, so hearing that was TOUGH. I grew into that thought process of control and it began to spiral into everything I do. Everything needed a routine and a procedure. It started to get so controlled, that I felt like I was ‘The Puppet Medium.’ No thank you. My best readings are the ones that I just let everything come through with no thoughts about how I should be doing, or what way I should be reading.
I realized that in these moments, I was not being my authentic self. I was trying to fit the mold of success before me, not realizing that I could write my own story. I was trying to be what people had wanted me to be. But hell, if I would have listened to that particular person’s voice in my head – I would NOT be doing the work I am doing today. So NO.
I had to grow and change, and that is what I am working on right now. I am re-writing the story of me, and just being myself. I don’t need to work or be like anyone else to be successful.
And neither do YOU.
Just be who you are, feel what you feel, and stay honest and true to you.
We are waking up.
I am not going to act like I have it all together, because I just don’t. I am still learning, and I’m never going to have everything figured out! It’s not possible to know until I’m on the other side looking back. And that is something I needed to accept and be OK with, that I’m going to continue to grow and learn.. and I don’t need to know everything. But I am re-writing how I work, and throwing out what no longer serves me.
Short, sweet, and to the point.